As we begin to practise awareness, we become aware of our own behaviour and our subtle motivations. Slowly and subtly these insights into our self break through. What was initially destruction can become construction.
When the insights first come they are fleeting glimpses of how we could be. They disappear and reappear as we begin to assimilate them and begin to build on them. We begin to see that responsibility for our peace and happiness is ours, and ours alone. We cannot shift the responsibility of ourselves to other people or to other factors.
Sometimes we are able to assimilate the insights easily, at other times it calls for hard work. Sometimes the insights can herald changes so basic they are accompanied by fear.
As we become aware of these insights we begin to see we are letting go of more than the disorder. Life begins to take on a different meaning. Our ideals and values change. Things which were once important to us no longer seem so, yet it appears there is nothing else to take their place.
This can be very threatening and disturbing, despite our desperate longings to be ourselves. The pre-disorder identity has gone; its place was taken by the ‘disordered’ identity. This in turn is breaking down, leaving us no sense of identity, no sense of self, to take its place. The feeling of total annihilation can seem closer than ever before.